TITLE & REVIEW
In 1492, the Spanish Xians are about to invade the Moorish kingdom of Grenada.
This is the setting for a showdown between the Hashishim (Islamic Ninjas)
and the Templars (Spanish Inquisition).
In the modern day, a death-row inmate (Michael Fassbender - X-Men: First Class ) is taken to a special clinic run by friendly lady doctor Marion Cotilard and her creepy father (Jeremy Irons - Dungeons and Dragons ).
The Templars' strategy is a mystery. The clinic has a number of prisoners such as Michael K Williams ( The Purge: Anarchy ) who walk around with relative freedom.
For some reason the Templars' HQ is based in London - an Episcopalian city - instead of anywhere else, such as Rome.
Brian Trenchard-Smith
, Australian director famous for a number of classic 1970s and 80s Ozploitation films,
Here he has sunk to the depths of directing a cheap made-for-cable-TV effort for the SyFy channel.
Cortes (Ian Ziering - Sharknado ) and his army of half a dozen conquistadores discover a remote valley in Mexico. The local Aztecs are ruled by Dichen Lachman , a Nepalese Australian who can apparently pass for a Native American Princess thanks to Hollywood's traditional policy of They all look alike to us. Unfortunately, the people of the valley are being harrassed by some cheap CGI dinosaurs.
This was directed by
Tarsem (Singh)
, which explains its original and un-American visuals.
It took four years to shoot, with locations in several different countries.
The result is a slow-moving character drama with some of the most impressive visuals ever seen.
No cheating with CGI or green-screen like in
Lord of the Rings
, this is actually an example of good film-making.
A Hollywood stuntman named Roy (Lee Pace - Pushing Daisies ) is hospitalised in a stunt involving a railway bridge. In hospital he talks to one of the other patients, a six-year-old girl, and tells her a story in order to pass the time.
The story-with-a-story is narrated by Roy, but the visuals are what the girl imagines. For example, the narrator describes one character as an Indian - as in Native American, because his wife is a sqaw. However, the on-screen portrayal is of a Sikh, complete with a turban.
A handful of mismatched characters journey across a fantastical landscape to seek revenge on the evil Governor Odious. Their adventures mirror Roy's state of mind, not unlike a straight version of Baron Munchausen .
This is set during the English Civil War.
Astrologer's apprentice Reece Shearsmith (
League of Gentlemen's Apocalypse
) and a couple of deserting soldiers encounter an Irish Necromancer (Michael Smiley -
The Aliens
). He enslaves them, to make them recover a magical treasure he believes buried somewhere in the field.
The supernatural element puts this clearly in the horror genre.
This is taken as a masterpiece of British low-budget independent movie-making. It was filmed for £300,000 in only twelve days. The actors include a few familiar faces from UK TV, but there are no big-name stars - just talent.
Adrian Paul (
Highlander: The Series
) tries a West Country accent as the title character of this SciFi Channel production.
He has a tiny-looking ship and a half-dozen sailors to help him.
The Sultan of Morocco hires Drake to find the Tree of Life. He also takes Drake's tweenage daughter ( Sofia Pernas ) hostage.
Drake is pursued by his arch-enemy, a Spaniard (Temuera Morrison - Star Wars: Attack of the Clones ). The two eventually make an uneasy alliance in order to complete their quest. If nothing else, this movie allows the two male leads to act in roles more subtle and interesting than their other recent performances.
This starts with a voiceover intro by
Lena Headey
, giving all the necessary exposition.
Basically, an evil Steampunk empire named Niflheim
has conquered most of their neighbours.
They have spent a decade besieging the last free city ...
The King (Sean Bean - Goldeneye ) is defended by an elite group of knights called the Glaive. Their heroic leader, Nyx (Aaron Paul - Need For Speed ), takes them on special operations. Their new mission is to guard the Princess.
Niflheim offers a peace deal, but this must be a setup unless the movie will end quickly. It turns out that the King has overestimated his own forces. Finally, some gigantic robots and/or monsters stomp a city ... like in Pacific Rim .
This is entirely CGI animation, so the characters blend seamlessly with the spectacular backdrops. As a result, the OTT action scenes and cartoonish approach to physics actually seems a lot more plausible. The movie came out the same year as Assassin's Creed and Warcraft: The Beginning , so it seems to be a mini-genre of videogame-related films. But why did this one slip by unnoticed? Well, perhaps because it was made in Japan. It is voiced over by a few English-speakers, including a couple of veterans of Game of Thrones . However, the real problem is that the voices are at such low volume compared to the music and background noise.
This is a made-for-TV effort, made by the British Sky One channel for Xmas 2016.
It is a fantasy story set in an alternate version of England in 2016.
There is modern-day technology such as cars,
but for some reason they are mostly horse-drawn or bicycle-powered.
The protagonist, a young girl named Jennifer Strange, lives in an Orphanarium. The King's child-catcher, Mr Brittles (Adeel Akhtar - Utopia ), turns up to conscript a child to fight in the Troll Wars. Exactly what good an underage child would do in a war against trolls is not explained. Luckily The Great Zambini turns up and adopts Jennifer. However, it turns out that the loveable Zambini is actually a brutal murderer. Not only does he approve of wearing fur coats, he is happy to turn humans into furry animals and then magically skin them alive. In fact, for a family-friendly story there is an awful lot of violent death going on. It is all magical, so there is lots of dust but no blood.
Jennifer grows up to look like Ellise Chappell , who despite her young age is a very capable actress and carries the story quite well. Zambini goes missing, but Jennifer is raised by his associates Moobin (Ricky Tomlinson - ) and Lady Mawgon ( Pauline Collins ).
Jennifer's destiny is to kill the last dragon, Maltcassion (Richard E. Grant - Hudson Hawk ). However, she spends most of her time fighting against her own destiny. Unfortunately her own pacifist ideals may lead to the destruction of the human kingdom. She does not see how this could be a bad thing.
King Snodd (Matt Berry - Garth Morenghi's Dark Place ) sends his sidekick, Sir Grifflon (George Webster - Zapped ) to pressure her into doing the deed. Luckily she is befriended by fellow former orphan Gordon (John Bradley - Game of Thrones ), who has links with top businesswoman Anna Chancellor .
Elizabethan colonists settle on Roanoake island, off the coast of North America.
Naturally, they have a poor relationship with the natives.
Worse, something sinister is in the woods.
Something ... supernatural.
Governor Alex McArthur ( Hydra ) leaves his son-in-law (Adrian Paul - Merlin: The Return ) in charge. Strangely, the supposedly Anglican Episocopalian settlers include a Roman Catholic holy man who crosses himself and blesses holy water.
The monsterous presence is exemplified by a steadicam running through the woods, and as tree-branches that attack people. Before long some CGI ghosties appear in the mist, reminscent of The Fog . Yes, this is Highlander: the Series versus Evil Dead/The Fog !
This is set in a generic Fantasy land that looks like rural Utah,
where the kickboxing bounty-hunters are sexy blonde elven maidens.
The Shadow of the title is an evil conspiracy.
They want to raise the God of Death,
who will then destroy the world.
The facial prosthetic makeup on the non-human races is a direct lift from the Lord of the Rings series.
There is actually more depth of character. The Orcs are actually given some realistic motivation, and one of them accompanies our heroes on their quest. Also, the fight scenes are well-choreographed.
Jeff Bridges is a beardy, gravel-voiced SOB like he was in
True Grit
, but less likeable and a lot harder to understand.
As a magical knight known as a Spook he must fight the demons,
led by his ex-lover
Julianne Moore
. Her superpowers include possession (like in
Season of the Witch
) and the power to transform into a dragon.
Our hero recruits a seventh son of a seventh son (Ben Barnes - Prince Caspian ). They go on a quest, fight evil, all the cliches.
The King (Casper Van Dien -
Starship Troopers
) and Queen (his RL wife
Catherine Oxenberg
) have a daughter. In fact, they have several children (all played by their RL children).
However, the eldest daughter is cursed by a wicked (but incredibly attractive) witch (
Olivia D'Abo
).
The Charming Prince comes along. He is not so charming - more of a cowardly weaselly Prince. However, his whipping-boy is a courageous type.
The Weaselly Prince and his merry men try to enter the haunted castle. Unfortunately the wicked witch has raised a load of Fast Zombies to guard it. The situation could be worse, of course - if the budget were slightly higher she could have used crappy CGI instead. Oh wait, there is a crappy CGI monster as well.
This was filmed on the cheap in Bulgaria. Remember, Eastern Europe is popular with film-makers because the minimum wage is four to five times lower than in the West.
This may appear to be the
Roger Corman
version of
A Matter of Life and Death
, but it was actually created by
Irwin Allen
. and since Allen was the fore-runner of modern blockbuster directors like
George Lucas
, this illustrates how far the movie industry has fallen.
Humans have invented the h-bomb, and the Judeo-Xian Devil, AKA Mr Scratch (Vincent Price - Abominable Dr Phibes ), wants the court of whatever to let the bomb explode and destroy all human life. A defence is provided by the Spirit of Mankind (Roger Colman).
The trial consists mainly of watching some stock footage of battle scenes from other movies with larger budgets. These are interspersed with cameos of then-famous movie stars as historical figures. Nero (Peter Lorre - The Raven ) and Joan of Arc ( Hedy Lamar ) both stand out, but not for the right reasons. Both the actors were thirty years older than the characters they were attempting to portray! Dennis Hopper ( Waterworld ) is Napoleon, while Groucho Marx cheats the Native Americans out of ownership of Manhattan island.
Mankind’s defence is that the human race has made lots of great inventions. The Devil twists this, and points out that the inventions were used for war and violence. His logic is that because the Devil was so successful in corrupting humans, he should be rewarded by being allowed to prematurely reap thousands of millions of human souls.
A magical kingdom is attacked by unknown monsters.
The King (Dominic Cooper -
Agent Carter
) sends his greatest warrior (Travis Fimmel -
Vikings
) to investigate, accompanied by guardsman Ryan Robbins (
Sanctuary
).
An Orcish warband has been brought through a portal by their villainous Shaman (Clancy Brown - Starship Troopers ). A female Orc ( Paula Patton ) is mistreated by the others because she is more human-looking. In fact she is incredibly attractive by human standards.
Lady Tiana ( Ruth Negga ) encourages the King to find a solution.
This is based on the World of Warcraft game, itself based on Middle Earth in Lord of the Rings . The visuals are incredible. Most of the film is CGI, with a few human actors seamlessly blended in. However, due to the expense of theCGI they could only afford TV actors. As a result there is no big-name star, so it is basically aimed at the game's niche audience rather than crossing over to a wider more mainstream audience.
So what is the film's legacy? No sequel has been made yet. However, two of the stars got married and are now working together on Preacher .
Hansel (Paul McGillion -
Stargate: Atlantis
) and his hot blonde sidekick wander through a forest
(Canada, passing for the Schwartzwald in Germany).
They have a variety of magical equipment,
such as torcs that serve as the equivalent of a CB radio.
On their travels they recruit another blonde, Ehren (
Emilie Ullerup
).
The witch-hunters' self-appointed mission is to kill the Queen of the Witches ( Shannen Doherty ), the woman who Hansel and Gretl encountered in their childhood. It turns out that Gretl is not dead, as her brother long-ago feared. No, she has been possessed by a body-jumping witch spirit. Obviously, since she is the title character she is portrayed by the big-name actress. Unfortunately that particular actress delivers the flattest performance in the entire sorry story.
The camera-work is mediocre, and the film is shot mostly in medium-frame. That may be the curse of made-for-TV films, but Excalibur was filmed the same way and it is one of the finest examples of this genre.
Peter O'Toole recounts his younger days, just like he did in the BBC version of
Casanova
.
This is the epic technicolour remake of the 1920s black and white film,
itself an adaptation of Lew Wallace's novel Ben Hur: A Story of the Christ.
In the Holy Land circa 30CE, Israelite Aristocrat Judah Ben-Hur (Charlton Heston - Planet of the Apes, Omega Man, Soylent Green ) is betrayed by his boyhood friend, Messalla (Stephen Boyd - Fantastic Voyage ). Our hero is cast into ignominy as a galley slave, where he serves under Jack Hawkins (Bridge on the River Kwai). In the second act he gets the chance to defeat Messalla in a chariot race. Finally he can return to the Holy Land to help Jesus heal some Lepers. Just in time for the Crucifixion.
The only other film to win this many Oscars was Titanic by James Cameron . It has been said that Cameron didn't necessarily use the BEST tech, just the most expensive. The same can probably be said of Ben Hur. But the difference is, Ben Hur is so SLOW. It drags horribly. The film is three hours long, though the book is under 200 pages. It could have been adapted into a mere 90 minutes. In contrast, Cleopatra Is a similar length of film, but is much better paced.
This is the C21st adaptation of Lew Wallace's novel Ben Hur: A Story of the Christ.
Not to be confused with the epic technicolour remake of the 1920s black and white film.
In the Holy Land circa 30CE, Israelite Aristocrat Judah Ben-Hur (Klaus from Vampire Diaries ) is betrayed by his boyhood friend, Messalla, and anti-Roman Zealot David (Marc Warren - Hogfather ). Our hero is cast into ignominy as a galley slave, while his sister ( Kristen Kreuk ) and mother ( Alex Kingston ) are imprisoned in a leper's cell.
Eventually, our hero gets the chance to defeat Messalla in a chariot race. Kris Holden-Reid ( Lost Girl ) has to be removed from the running first. The race scene was the biggest expenditure of the Charleton Heston version, but this is shot on the cheap for television. The crashes are made more dramatic by the constant use of slo-mo.
Everything is wrapped up just in time for the Crucifixion.
Yet another adaptation of Lew Wallace's classic Xian tale
from the Gilded (late Victorian) Age.
The writers seem to have gone out of their way
to make this as different as possible from the William Wyler version,
even to the point of changing things that were in the book.
The relationships between every single character are different,
so thus the story (despite hitting the same old plot points) is quite different too.
However, this is not just a slam-bash action film like Wyler's version. It is what Wallace's book was supposedly intended to be - a tale of two warring brothers (a metaphor for the American Civil War), put to the plot of The Count of Monte Cristo (a wrongly imprisoned man seeks revenge) and mixed in with some genuine Xian redemption (cue a cameo role for Jesus of Nazareth himself).
There is much about this film that is distracting. The cast are mostly unknowns (except for Nora from How I Met Your Mother), and the maxim of No stars, just talent only works with arthouse films and never with mega-budget blockbusters. The story, as has been pointed out, strays massively from previous versions. However, if watched through until the end it is actually quite a good effort.
Boudicca (
Alex Kingston
) and her druid (McGloin from Gangs of New York) take on the Roman Empire.
This was filmed in Romania, on a low budget with few extras.
That said, the final battle scene is large-ish.
Michael Fassbender (
Haywire
) is a Roman Centurion.
He gets captured by the Picts, which is ironic since he is probably the only cast member fluent in Gaelic.
His sword-fighting skills are from gladiator school, not from actual Roman military training.
Hadrian sends in the Legio IX Hispana, led by General Dominic West ( 300 ). Their guide is Olga Kurlyenka , whose native accent is conveniently concealed by the fact that her character's tongue has been cut out and she never speaks.
The Legion is ambushed. Fassbender and a small group of survivors (including Noel Clarke - Dr Who 2005 ) must rescue the General and then escape back to Roman territory.
This is an adaptation of The Eagle of the Ninth by
Rosemary Sucliffe
, a famous novel from the 1950s.
The movie fits well in the derring-do style of Boys' Own adventure,
and falls far short of the modern era's Bechdel Test
because there are no actual female speaking roles.
The protagonist (Channing Tatum - GI Joe ), a Roman officer, takes command of a fort on the borderland between Scotland and the Roman Empire. Luckily his second-in-command (Denis O'Hare - American Horror Story ) is able to show him the ropes. Unfortunately the place is immediately under attack from the Scots. Our hero falls into an obvious ambush, and has to fight his way out of trouble with some action-star heroics.
While recuperating back in Rome, his uncle (Donald Sutherland - Don't Look Now ), gifts him with a slave - Esca the Briton (Jamie Bell - Fantastic Four (2015) ). This gives our hero the impetus for his next move. Everything in his life has been about upholding the honour of his father, who never returned from his final mission - leading the famed Ninth Legion on an invasion of Scotland. Now he and his slave go back to Scotland, in the hope of recovering the Legion's Eagle standard ... and with it, the Legion's honour.
The dynamic duo search high and low, eventually running into a Roman deserter (Mark Strong - Kingsman ). The tense plot is accompanied by some good characterisation, as Esca the Briton is forced to choose between loyalty to his native land and friendship with his Roman companion ... especially when the Roman reveals his true ruthlessness.
Hannibal (Victor Mature -
Demetrius And The Gladiators
), a Carthaginian general, leads his army through the Alps
to wage war against Rome on their home ground.
This is a cross between two classic movie genres
- the swords and sandals epics of the 1950s
and the disaster movies of the 1970s.
As such it is basically a mega-budget B-movie.
In the year 68CE, the Celtic revolt (presumably a reference to Boudicca's murderous rampage) has to be put down . Corvus (Kiefer Sutherland - Mirrors ) and his bodyguard Proculus (Sasha Roiz - Caprica ) destroy a village of peaceful Celts. This is a pale imitation of the first scene of Conan The Barbarian . Then, just to be a cliched Hollywood villain, Corvus gives the order to kill all the prisoners. His army of Legionaries were counting on selling them as slaves for a pay bonus, but who cares? Luckily, a youngster gets presumed dead. He later gets enslaved by someone else anyway.
Twenty years later, the young slave has grown up to be Kit Harrington ( Game of Thrones ). He slaughters a trio of expensive Thracian gladiators in a pointless fight scene. The good news is, this makes him the Champion of London. The bad news is, despite being a highly valuable celebrity he is made to walk with the other slaves all the way to Pompeii. The Princess of Pompeii ( Emily Browning ) and her personal slave ( Jessica Lucas ) ride past them in a carriage. By incredible timing, her horse stumbles and breaks its leg.. Anachronistically she is an animal-lover, although this does allow her to show humanity towards the slaves as well. By incredible coincidence, not only is heroic Harrington muscular enough to seem like he has the penis of a horse, he also has the mystical powers of Robert Redford in The Horse Whisperer.
The Princess returns to her parents, Jared Harris ( Fringe ) and Carrie-Anne Moss , who have made an appeal for funding to the Emperor's representative - Senator Sutherland! What are the chances of the hero and villain crossing paths again after two decades? And worse, they find themselves competing for the same love interest.
It turns out that Pompeii its very own seperatist movement. Browning does not consider herself to be a citizen of the Roman Empire, and as a woman she might technically not have been one, but in the period this film is set in the Italian peninsula had been Roman for over a century and a half.
The Celt befriends his cell-mate Attius (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje - The Mummy Returns ), the Champion of Pompeii. The good news is, Atticus will be set free if he survives the next match. The bad news is, the next person he is duie to fight is the Celt. All this is forgotten about whe the Games start with a re-enactment of a Roman victory. Atticus and the Celt are on the same side, with sharp metal weapons. Unfortunately the makers did not learn from the mistakes made in Gladiator - the losing side should be condemned criminals armed only with wooden props.
In the final act, the volcano erupts. Our hero must go looking for the damsel in distress. This is real Titanic stuff, mixing historical romance with big-budget disaster. However, unlike the James Cameron masterpiece this film IS a big budget disaster!
This is a pointless remake of the Hollywood blockbuster.
The Yugoslav Doctor from E.R. is the title character, while
Rhona Mitra
is his love interest.
At least the TV show had a bit of originality.
This is Swords and Sandals movie, made in Italy before
Cleopatra (1960)
rendered the entire genre unviable.
It is dubbed into English, without subtitles, but is still watchable.
The warrior of the title is a Roman officer who leads a unit to reinforce the garrison of Armenia. A local rebel named Aesclepios (named after a Greek god, somehow) has taken some Roman soldiers hostage and intends to execute them. Somehow he thinks that the deaths of a few legionaries will scare off the entire Empire. Our hero leads from the front, distracting the rebels by burning their haystacks. While this kind of diversion was mocked in Stargate: Atlantis , it makes perfect sense in real life. The point is not to burn something at random, it is to distract the enemy by putting the thing they value the most in jeopardy.
The captured rebels include a spirited and beautiful warrior woman. She ends up as the hero's personal slave-girl. He also has his eye on the Armenian Queen Mother, regent of her pre-teen son in whose name the Roman Governor rules Armenia. Which woman will the hero end up with? Let's hope the movie's title does not contain any spoilers.
Since Armenia is on the Roman border, the Legion has to deal with an incursion by their most powerful rivals in the region - the Scythians. The battle scenes are more like skirmishes, nothing of the scale of Spartacus (1958) , but it is spirited work for a relatively limited budget.
This is a movie based on a musical theatre play which was fashioned out of some poems.
In other words, there is a fair amount of adaptation involved
but very little in the way of originality.
A lot of money was spent on the fancy CGI visuals.
Instead of using the cast of the stage play, the director chose to use a cast who had never performed this play before. For example, the main character - Victoria - is played by Francesca Hayward . Ms Hayward is an experienced professional ballerina, but is a newcomer to both this stage play and the movie industry in general. One hopes her future in the film industry goes better than that of Samantha Barks , who the director discovered for his previous musical theatre adaptation Les Miserables but who has not reached the pinacle of stardom that she rightfully deserves.
The story is very simple. A group of cats compete in a contest to win a trip in a hot air balloon. These contestants - including Jennyanydots ( Rebel Wilson ), Rustopher Jones (James Corden - Lesbian Vampire Killers ), Grizabella ( Jennifer Hudson ) and Gus the Theatre Cat (Ian McKellen - Lord of the Rings ) - each sing a song about themselves. Old Deuteronomy (Judy Dench - Skyfall (2012) ), the leader of the cats, acts as Judge of the contest. Apparently the original stage play had the songs performed by the whole troupe, rather than just have a series of disappointing solo performances.
The story's villain, Macavity (Idris Elba - Hobbs and Shaw ), plans to win the contest by kidnapping all the other contestants and leaving them guarded by his henchman Growltiger (Ray Winstone - Robin of Sherwood ). Not exactly something Stringer Bell would lower himself to in The Wire, and Bell was never considered to be the Napoleon of crime.
The high point, the only good song in the movie, is when Bombalurina ( Taylor Swift ) sings a seductive version of Macavity the Mystery Cat. Swift adopts a Received Pronunciation accent, and does quite a good job, although she is the only cat seen wearing high-heeled shoes. Everything else in the movie can be safely ignored.
Dick Van Dyke (
Mary Poppins
) is an inventor who repairs an old car.
His children name it Chitty Chitty Bang Bang because of the noises it makes.
In the story within a story, Van Dyke and family use their car to take on the evil Baron Blomburst (Gert Frobe - Goldfinger ). They follow the Baron to his fairytale Rhineland castle. Like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom , the town they arrive in does not have any children. But this is a singing, dancing musical instead of a horror film.
Cyrano de Bergerac (Peter Dinklage -
Game of Thrones
), noted poet and duellist,
is secretly in love with the actress Roxanne (
Haley Bennett
). She friendzones him, and falls for Christian (Kelvin Harrison Jr. -
It Comes At Night
) - a young recruit in Cyrano's regiment.
In order to avoid disappointing Roxanne,
Cyrano writes her love-letters on Christian's behalf.
The Duke (Ben Mendelsohn - Rogue One ) bears Cyrano a grudge, and seeks to attack him by any means. As an aristocrat he is promoted to Colonel, giving him authority over Cyrano's regiment. Since they are currently losing a war, the regiment will either be used as cannon-fodder or kept in the disgrace of a rear-guard position. Of course, the Duke wants Roxanne for himself ...
Being a musical, this was cast with a focus on the actors' singing talents. As a result, most of them are unfamiliar to mainstream audiences. Mendelsohn is a rent-a-villain, in the same antagonistic role he has done so many times before. But the title role allows Dinklage to showcase his talents. While the role is traditionally for a man with a massive nose, such as Steve Martin with a prosthetic in Roxanne, it works equally well for someone with Dinklage's condition. The actor combines his oscar-winning talents with singing and swashbuckling. He does a great job, and takes a good film to the next level.
This is a rags-to-riches story set in Victorian era America,
about a working-class boy who falls in love with an upper-class girl.
He grows up to be Hugh Jackman (
Wolverine
) and she becomes
Michelle Williams
- even though in real life Williams is a decade younger than Jackman.
When the business he works at gets shut down,
our hero fraudulently borrows money and invests it in a museum of curiosities.
This becomes a freakshow of the living.
Luckily the differently-abled people he employs are great singers,
so the movie's musical numbers blend into the storyline.
Barnum hires a young man (Zach Effron - 17 Again (2009) ), who abandons his wealthy family and starts a relationship with the trapeze artist ( Zendaya ). This is a wasted subplot.
Barnum goes off on a tour with a singer ( Rebecca Ferguson ).
The film covers certain episodes in Barnum's life, but it seems to lack conflict. Not just external conflict - after all, this is not a thriller. There is no real internal conflict, nothing to drive the story. Barnum is rich and successful by the start of the first Act, and there is no real climax in what we have to call the final Act.
Once Upon A Time
the famous fairytale characters all lived in the same village. The Witch (
Meryl Streep
) sends the Miller (James Cordern -
Musketeers
) and his wife (
Emily Blunt
) on a quest to find ingredients for a magic spell.
This gives them an excuse to bump into
Jack the Giant Slayer, Little Red Riding Hood, Cinderella and Rapunzel.
The traditional fairy-tales are tied up at the end of the second act. Unfortunately, there is a third act to follow …
The third act consists mainly of writing out most of the supporting characters, and some central characters too, with deaths that are uncinematic and usually off-screen! The witch has the power to raise a cow from the dead, but apparently not a supporting character.
This is based on a stage musical, and its stagey origins are uncomfortably visible due to lacklustre direction. The climax itself is a small group of people in a confined space, which is a disappointment when every other fairytale movie enjoys magnificent landscapes and cinematic fairytale architecture.
This is a three-hour musical,
adapted from a stage play itself based on a book by 19th Century French novelist Victor Hugo.
It is the story of Valjean (Hugh Jackman -
X-Men
), a man convicted of petty theft in a court of the French Revolution.
Nineteen years later, in 1815, he is paroled.
But he breaks his parole - not to return to a life of crime, but to be a better man.
Unfortunately, Inspector Javert (Russell Crowe -
Virtuosity
) is on his tail.
Eight years later, Valjean and Javert bump into each other. Valjean is a respectable businessman, but Javert begins to suspect him. Valjean could easily escape, but is held back by his compassion for dying prostitute Fantine ( Anne Hathaway ). He promises to care for her daughter, who is being cared for by Sasha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter (still in character from the OTHER 19th Century musical they did together, Sweeney Todd ).
Over a decade later, the daughter has grown up to be Amanda Seyfried , who falls in love-at-first-sight with a young man. Unfortunately he is indulging in childish rebellion against his bourgeois family, and joins a student revolution. Their only plan is to set up a roadblock in a slum, then shoot any soldiers they can see. Valjean gets dragged into this stupidity, trying to save his foster-daughter's BF. Javert, of course, tries to save his country from the murderous anarchists.
The film has come in for a bit of criticism because of the singing. Virtually all dialogue is sung, not spoken - but in a Musical, that is not a bad thing. The singing was done live on set, not looped in an ADR booth in post-production. Russell Crowe's performance is flat - but that is the kind of person Javert comes across as being. He is dour, unimaginative, and only obeying orders.
The real discovery of the film is Manx actress Samantha Barks , who steals scenes as the second tragic heroine, Eponine. Her part is actually cut down from the stage play, in which she appears as near equal to Fantine. But Ms Barks, despite virtually her only credit being stage performances of this part, acquits herself as an equal of Anne Hathaway.
Christian (Ewan McGregor -
Star Wars: TPM
) moves to the Montmartre district of Paris,
and befriends Tolouse Lautrec (John Leguizamo -
).
Christian falls in love with Satine ( Nicole Kidman ), a showgirl who specialises in old-style cover versions of anachronistic songs that were created long afterwards. Her manager, Harold Zidler (Jim Broadbent - ), employs her as a courtesan to seduce The Duke (Richard Roxburgh - Van Helsing ).
Baz Luhrman delivers yet another historical musical extravaganza.
This starts in b&w, set during the closing-down sale at the Paris Opera House.
It then flashes back (in an amazing SPFX scene) to the place's hey-day,
when it had just been bought by new management.
The Diva Carlotta (
Minnie Driver
) storms out, so they get Christine the chorus girl (
Emmy Rossum
) to stand in for her.
Christine is the protege of the Phantom,
a mysterious and masked figure who creeps about the Opera House.
A bit like Zorro, only he does not help people out of the goodness of his heart.
The Phantom helps Christine's career, but only because he wants her for himself. Unfortunately, when she falls for the young Aristocrat who owns the Opera Hall the Phantom is greatly offended. He shows that he knows how to use a sword, among other skills.
This is not a crappy slasher or melodrama - it is a musical with wonderful cinematography. It is even in widescreen, to give extra value for money. Miranda Richardson and Jennifer Ellison provide able support.
Joel Schumacher delivers an impressive piece, to say the least. In fact, the Andrew Rice Webber songs are probably the weakest part of it!
This is the little-seen Disney masterpiece from the 1940s,
a technicolour musical which blends live-action and animation.
Set in the Reconstruction era of the Deep South,
a friendly African-American named Uncle Remus
helps white children and black children live together as friends.
To do this, he tells stories about Brer Rabbit
(brought to life as a cartoon character)
and sings some memorable songs.
This film was the first to feature and Oscar-winning performance from an African-American man. Naturally, it has been condemned as racist because he does not play a violent gun-toting thug! It demands a remake, with Samuel L Jackson as Uncle Remus. I got a bedtime story for ya, child. Get the f*ck to sleep!
A sailor (Will Smith -
Independence Day (1995)
) book-ends the main story.
He tells his kids the story of Aladdin ...
The opening credits warn us that this is a Guy Ritchie movie. Naturally this threatens to give us an Agrabah underworld filled with mockney gangsters. After all, he managed to squeeze this cliche into his recent King Arthur effort. Luckily this movie is an adaption of the Disney cartoon, and it turns out that Ritchie has decided not to push it too far away from the original.
Aladdin (Mena Massoud - ) is a pickpocket who grew up on the streets of Agrabah. He befriends a clueless rich girl ( Naomi Scott ), who thinks she can feed starving children by stealing bread from the baker. This leads on to what Disney does best - a combination of slapstick and musical theatre.
It turns out that the girl is Princess Jasmine herself. She laments that she can never become Sultan in her own right. The handmaid ( Nasim Pedrad ) points out that arranged marriage is standard, and she does not even need to talk to her new husband.
The antagonist is Jafar, the Grand Vizier. He is made out to be a violent murderous psychopath, but apart from his cartoonish personality (pun intended) he could easily be a good guy. When Jafar is told Know your place by the Sultan, we are meant to see the Vizier as greedy and over-ambitious. But when Jafar says the same thing to Princess Jasmine, we are meant to take her side. It is okay for the Sultan to punch down, but not for the Vizier to do the same thing.
The hero and villain fight over a lamp, which is a magical tool. He must hold it in his lap, rub the shaft of it with his fingers, and it spurts out blue smoke.
The crux of the matter is simple. The Vizier wants meritocracy, and everyone else wants a hereditary aristocracy. So who is the real villain?
This is a sequel to Disney's
Aladdin (1992)
, made with low-quality animation from Japan.
Robin Williams (
Mork and Mindy
), the expensive celebrity voice,
has been replaced with a sound-alike to save money.
Aladdin is bored hanging around the palace with Jasmine, so he spends his free time robbing the Forty Thieves. Then he distributes the stolen valuables to the poorest people in Agrabah, which will just create hyperinflation.
Jafar, the evil vizier, is still trapped in the lamp. However, his pet parrot escapes and becomes a main character in the story. Aladdin and his friends do not trust the parrot, but are morally compelled to give it a second chance.
Jafar's lamp ends up in the hands of the leader of the Forty Thieves. This is a hell of a convenient turn for both of them. The two villains share a common foe, Aladdin, and should easily team up against him. Instead, Jafar subjugates the unfortunate robber and turns him into a comedy-relief sidekick as replacement for the parrot.
The good news is that the original genie comes back to help Aladdin. Luckily he still has his supernatural powers, and did not become human after he was freed. Somehow, Jafar's powers are far greater than the old genie's are. Now Aladdin has to final-death his enemy, since eternal imprisonment has proved impossible.
This is a Disney cartoon version of the fairy tale.
It starts with a voiceover about a Prince who was a terrible human being
and was cruel to a helpless old woman.
She cursed him to become the Beast,
but unfairly transformed his servants into animated inanimate objects.
Belle is a book-loving girl who is unhappily living among uncultured peasants. Her father is an inventor working on a steam engine, so he can turn inanimate objects into servants. One night be gets trapped in the woods, and seeks shelter in an abandoned castle full of talking objects. This is the Beast's home, and he locks the intruder in a prison cell.
Belle offers herself as a hostage in her father's stead. The Beast accepts, and treats her as an honoured guest. He only has one rule, that she respect his personal space and keep out of his private quarters. Of course, she immediately and deliberately breaks this rule. Despite this, the Beast tries to seduce her. After all, she is his only chance of breaking the curse.
Belle has another admirer - Gaston, the bravest man in the village - although it is not apparent why he likes her. It seems like he just wants what he cannot have. He is thoughtless at the start, but not actually cruel until the plot demands he be an out-and-out villain.
This is a live-action version of the Disney cartoon.
Belle (
Emma Watson
) is a book-loving girl who is unhappily living among uncultured peasants.
She calls herself a farm-girl, but neither of those words is applicable to her.
Her father (Kevin Kline -
) is a watch-maker who used to live in the city of Paris,
so she has never lived on a farm in her life.
And as for being a girl, she may look eighteen
but in the Hollywood casting tradition she is ten years older.
So basically she is a thirty-ish woman who acts like a spoilt bourgoise brat.
Belle manages to meet someone ever worse than she is. The Beast was a terrible human being, who would be cruel to a helpless old woman in order to impress his sychophants. Gaspard (Luke Evans - Dracula Untold ), in comparison, is thoughtless but not actually cruel.
Gaspard's sidekick (Josh Gadd - Little Monsters ) was originally a nasty vicious sychophant in the original. Now he is a gay man, sexually obsessed with his leader the same way the leader is obsessed with Belle. The difference is that this is meant to be positive gay representation.
This story is the newest movie by
Tim Burton
, based on the classic 1940s Disney cartoon,
and combines live-action sequences with CGI animals.
However, it is really a waste of time.
If anything it could be a follow-up to
The Greatest Showman
, about a carnival that goes on tour around the USA.
The focus has shifted from the animals to a bunch of new human characters,
and the title character is reduced to a mere cipher.
At best, this movie rips off Seabiscuit -
the story of a neglected animal that heals the injured souls of its human handlers.
A soldier (Colin Farrell - Daredevil ) returns from war with lots of medals and a missing arm. His old boss, a circus ringmaster (Danny DeVito - Batman Returns ), gets him a new job as an elephant handler. Well, Farrell used to work with horses so it is just a matter of scaling up.
The female elephant gives birth to a baby with comically large ears, and he is cruelly nicknamed Dumbo by the audience at his first show. From there the story progresses the same as the original, with one major difference. The most controversial characters in the original, the Jim Crows, have been completely cut out. They fall far short of the modern-day stereotype of African-Americans - crack-smoking, gun-toting rappers who call everyone a Mutha-Fokker. Instead, their part is played by the elephant-keeper's young children. Yes, in a racist act of white-washing the black characters have been erased from the
Once Dumbo's superpower is revealed, the story should end. Well, this version pushes it all a bit further. Vandervere (Michael Keaton - Batman Returns ), the biggest man in the entertainment industry, turns up with his trapeze artist moll ( Eva Green ) in tow.
The trapeze artist is ordered to work as part of Dumbo's act, which means she turns out to be Farrell's love interest. When Vandervere decides to double-cross everyone, she joins forces with the good guys. Their plan involves beating up the man's hard-working employees, then destroying his business so everyone is out of a job.
This is basically a live-action version of the Disney cartoon.
Well, the boy is live-action but the animals are all CGI.
Admittedly the CGI is incredible, but the boy is a great actor.
The song tunes and lyrics are the same as the old version,
but re-voiced with modern celebrity actors.
Some bits have been changed, specifically fire is now a major plot device in the story.
Basically, Mowgli is a young boy who has been raised by a pack of wolves. However, the local tiger, Shere Khan (Idris Elba - 28 Weeks Later ) is a man-eater and demands the pack hand over the boy. As a result, the tiger Bagheera (Ben Kingsley - Thunderbirds ) takes the boy to the man-village. En route they meet some other anthropomorphic animals, such as
Some of the casting decisions may make you wonder. Christopher Walken was originally a song-and-dance man, but his talents are wasted in a relatively bland role. And since when did Shere Khan have a Sarf Landahn accent? A Bengal tiger is out-of-place in what seems like the African savannah, but one with a Peckham accent like Del-Boy Trotter is even harder to treat seriously.
A group of photorealistic CGI animals live in blissful harmony in Africa.
The King, Mufasa (James Earl Jones -
Conan the Barbarian
), sees himself as its protector rather than its owner.
His son, the hero, will inherit the metaphorical throne.
Yes, the cats have adopted primogeniture.
Scar, the King's younger brother, is a virtual outcast. There is no massive story twist or villain reveal - this is dumbed down for children, so he is clearly the bad guy from the start. Rather than make alliance with his own brother, like real lions do, he allies himself with the hyenas and stages a coup.
The only other lions are the females. One is mother to Nala, a female cub who is the hero's playmate, and is meant to be his future wife. Of course, Nala's father is probably Scar or Mufasa.
Simba (Donald Glover - The Martian ) crosses the desert and ends up in the jungle. He discovers new friends there, who do not believe in the Circle of Life. Instead, they are more cynical and believe in a single line.
Nala ( Beyonce Knowles ) does not want to stay in Scar's harem, so she runs off into the desert. Well, she heads in the same direction as Simba and she eventually meets him. Of course, they have not seen each other in years so they will not recognise each other. If they fight, will Nala easily defeat Simba even though he is much bigger and stronger than her? The truth is that she does not need Simba's fighting strength - presumably the females should be able to defeat Scar with ease, one at a time or all at once. Instead, Simba's value is his royal blood and his claim to the throne that trumps Scar's claim.
The good guys head off on a mission to restore - well, not the patriarchy but certainly the primogeniture. So much for the cynical single line. Instead they become sell-outs, joining in on the pyramid system that puts them up near the Royalty. The hyenas, of course, are scavengers so they get stuck at the bottom with all the other bottom-feeders.
Captain John Smith (Mel Gibson -
Mad Max
) is part of the English expedition to the Americas in 1607.
They build a settlement and call it Jamestown
after the King, James VI of Scotland and I of England.
Unfortunately the expedition leader,
villainous Governor Radfield (David Ogden Smith -
Dead Zone (2003)
), wants all the wealth and power for himself.
Smith meets Pocahontas, princess of the Native Americans. She is basically a 1990s version of Moana - a Disney Princess in all but name.
John Smith is missing, believed dead.
Pocahontas befriends a different white male saviour, John Rolfe (Billy Zane -
Titanic (1997)
), who takes her to London to meet King James.
The villainous former Governor, Radfield (David Ogden Stiers - Dead Zone (2003) ), wants his old job back. He has the King's ear, and wants to command an armada that will conquer the Americas. It is up to Pocahontas to stop him.
Po the Panda (Jack Black -
Tropic Thunder
) wants to learn kung-fu and become a dragon warrior.
Master Sifu (Dustin Hoffman -
Perfume: Story of a Murderer
) and the others are reluctant to accept such a fat and lazy student.
Luckily a super-villain (Ian McShane - ) is on the loose, and Po is the only one who can stop him.
This starts with an animation with an animation,
which has a narrator provide the backstory of the villainous Lord Shen (Gary Oldman -
The Fifth Element (1998)
). He managed to weaponise fireworks,
and things escalated when he followed a self-fulfilling prophecy.
When he was expelled from his home city, he vowed revenge
... and now has a super-weapon.
Po the Panda (Jack Black - Tropic Thunder ), hero of the first film, is now a great warrior. He leads the team of animal heroes, first against a gang of marauding wolves who serve Shen ... then to re-conquer Shen's home town which he recently liberated. Po's plan is to get captured, and then let the villain monologue them. He fails to realise that Shen does not care about his ancestoral home, and will happily destroy it in order to conquer all China.
Po's real journey is his discovery of his past. He somehow never realised that he was adopted, even though his foster father (James Hong - Big Trouble In Little China ) is a goose instead of a panda. Now memories of his childhood come back - of how the village was destroyed, and his mother sacrificed herself to save him. This is his chance to get some closure. For a kids movie, this is a very grim storyline.
As revealed at the end of the second movie,
there is a secret village of pandas living in the mountains.
Po the Panda (Jack Black -
Tropic Thunder
) finds his homeland.
The really important storyline, the bit with the character development, is the subplot. Po's birth father (Bryan Cranston - Total Recall (2010) ) arrives in town. This makes his foster father (James Hong - Big Trouble In Little China ) more than a little jealous.
Master Sifu (Dustin Hoffman - Perfume: Story of a Murderer ) is on hand to give advice.
Steve Oedekerk
, best known for more mainstream fare like
Bruce Almighty
, is the writer/director/star of this incredible piece of work.
This is based on a Chinese Kung Fu film, over-dubbed with new dialogue. Actors are digitally inserted into scenes, and entirely new scenes are created with CGI.
The best scene is the Mootrix - a Matrix style martial arts duel between the hero and ... a CGI cow!
Keep an eye out for a young Philip Kwok, best known as Mad Dog in Hard-Boiled!
